Over the last few weeks, I have been on a guilt trip. Partly due to my own conscience and partly due to the constant reminders from peers and friends around me. So today, against all odds and constraints I decided to write and hopefully in that process reduce the guilt brewing in my heart. But then deciding to write something and then actually penning a few words are completely opposite things. As I groped for the right words and ideas, just like someone trying to find the flashlight in the dark when the lights go out, an advise I got from many years ago rang in my head - “If you want to be a really good at something, keep searching. Travel the world, meet different people, and experience different things. Don’t be afraid. Never stop searching….”. At first I took the advise frivolously, but over the years as I matured I understood the depth of it. As when I did begin to search, it transformed my thinking and the world around me.
As I climbed the last few steps, I panted heavily due to lack of oxygen and my legs felt as if they weighed a ton each. The exhaustion from battling starvation, walking long miles over treacherous terrain and lack of sleep was seeping into every muscle of my body. My vision blurred and I was on the brink of giving it all up. Ahead of me I could see the steps snaking steeply into a large cave and a rush of devotees at the entrance. The constant ringing of the bell and loud chants of “Har Har Mahadev!” and “Bum Bum Bole” filled the air. I stopped to take a deep breadth and regain my composure. So close yet so far!
“You must be insane KG. People die out there and half of them never make it. Even if you make it, the suffering will be immense,” said my closest friend. I could feel a genuine concern in her voice.
“So be it,” I replied. “You can never achieve something if you are not ready to suffer for it. I want to go not because it’s a matter of faith or religion. It’s an adventure. Don’t know if I will succeed or fail but it will be an experience worth for life. I cannot miss out on that. And I can only do it when I still have strength left in my body.”
“God bless,” she said and slammed the phone down.
As my mind came back into the present - How will I ever make it back home? I thought to myself. I looked around trying to spot my companions but in an sea of people it was next to impossible. As my heart sank further the only possible way out was to somehow reach the base camp, which of course was eight hours of walk and 14 kms away. With the weather closing in I had no chance of making it. The only option I had was to try and complete the journey on which I had embarked 5 days ago and get a glimpse of Lord Amarnath. The rest I assured myself will take care of itself. I mustered the reserves of my energy and started to climb again.
My back hurts and I need to re-pack by bag. Its heavy on the left side. The first thing I am going to do when I get to the camp is have a shower and eat some hot food. Then I need to call people back home and let them know I made it. Am sure quite a few of them will be surprised. Maybe when I get to Srinagar, the hotel will hopefully have an internet connection and I can check my mails. Am sure there will lot of things open-ended in office. I also have to pay the mobile bill. Don’t know why people said the secret of immortality is here? People have gone through pain and suffering to get here. Including me! Did Shiva not have any other place on this planet to reveal the secret of immortality to his wife? What is the secret by the way? Maybe is blind faith. There…..
A firm hand held my shoulder and jerked me back into the present. It was one of the numerous soldiers guarding the entrance to the cave. “Please remove your shoes and keep you bag at the counter. You are only allowed barefoot inside the cave,” he said. When I removed the shoes and socks my legs froze.
“Chant Om Namah Shivaiy and go forward,” said another solider as I shivered.
The mind is our biggest enemy. If we could find a way to measure its speed, am sure it will be multiple times faster than light. But unlike light it never travels in a straight line. It’s like a child left alone in a toy shop running aimlessly from one place to another unsure about what to play with. If we pay close attention, our thoughts race from the past to the future and vice versa. We cannot hold it in the present for more than a few minutes. Even the conversations which we have with our friends and family, most often than not, is either centered around incidents that have occurred in the past or things that could happen in the future. The timeline of course vary from few minutes to days to many years. Even organizations for that matter. A majority spend endless hours debating about things that have gone wrong and even more time detailing plans for the future. Services and products are launched considering the future revenue growth they will generate. Very few organizations think about the present or ask the question - what are the needs of our customers today and what solutions can we offer them now? Everything is based on an abstract future and an unchangeable past. We fail to realize that future only causes fear and the past mostly pain and regret. I am not against planning for the future or about learning from out past. I am against spend vast amounts of time and energy on either. The present is where our life is. Our sufferings, happiness, pains, pleasures, actions et all unfolds in the present. The present is where our karma is. It’s against our inherent human nature to live in the moment. But if we manage to do it and give it our best then the future that will take care of itself and the past will magically vanish. It will make every second of our present life immortal.
As I climbed the final few steps and rang the bell at the entrance of the cave, my mind went blank. Neither the future or the past existed. It was just me in the moment. I bent my head and said Om Namah Shivaiy.
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